My Hobo Knife

As many of you know, I have spent the majority of ought-seven living in Austin, but really living in Dallas. For five out of seven months this year I have basically lived like a vagabond, pulling clothes from suitcases and riding the rails when it took my fancy. That was all about to change, [...]

And a Homecoming Queen

So, I am heading out to LA in a couple of weeks to, you know, take the world by storm with my unique brand of hair-care products and exfoliates. Since I received my tickets, I’ve been having these bizarre daydreams about the trip. I’ll be working or watching the latest episode of “Cash in the [...]

The Tryptophan Parallel

I had another dream last night. Sasha Cohen and I were talking about how disappointed we were that she won the silver instead of the gold in figure skating. I said it was alright though, and that it wasn’t nearly as sad as the Russian girl not winning, because according to her “athlete profile” she [...]

Open Pitch Meeting with a Studio Exec

Mike or Michael is fine. I go by both…It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, too, Mr. Vine…Oh yeah, Scooter and I have talked on the phone many times. What’s up, Scooter?…Well, thank you for flying me out…(laughter, laughter, laughter.) I know the weather’s great here, and LA is where it’s all happening…The flight was [...]

I’d Hope to Tell Yeh

I tend to get sick more often than anyone should. It’s never a normal cold or anything, either. I always have a temperature of like 103 and I can’t lift up my head. The only good thing about this condition is that doctors tend to give me really good medicine like the clear cough syrup [...]

Original. Not Cool Ranch

I had a horrible dream last night. I was trapped in the body of a jetsetting seller of high-end watches and couture. I spent my days searching for the straightest pant leg in Manhattan and learning French phrases that I could drop to impress waitresses who desperately wanted to believe that I was somebody important.
After [...]

Has Anybody Seen This Movie?

I need help. I have this movie running through my mind, but I’m not sure if it’s real or if it came to me in a dream. Reese Witherspoon, playing a plucky young go-getter who harbors a sharp and witty intellect beneath her cute-as-a-button exterior, must bake and sell cookies in order to raise enough [...]